2010. október 27. 00:00 - Khaos

It is

It is something expletive, yet, it is something that I can hide in from the cruelty of the world. It will not show its back to me, it will not turn against me, it will not blame me, it will not flee from me, and it will not demand anything from me either. It is just a mirror which shows me everything without exceptions and which will not hide anything from me. The words flashing before my eyes, the mirrors of my failures, my bitter and unquenched desires, my unheededness, and mainly the powerless anger over all undecipherable now's and have to's, they are blinding and much more hurtful than the screen in the darkest room of the house.

Yet, I am sitting before the screen, with tears from day-long glaring at it, watching at tear-curtained pictures. The picture of the man with his back reclining against the the closed door and his head ducked, the picture of the man walking against the high and farmishing wind with his throat cracked and his face burning from the freezing stripes of tears running down his cheeks, and the picture of the man with his family, fleeing from his solitude. I realize, even through the grimy and battered glasses, that I know. I know these feelings; these are the ones I am fleeing from, constantly. Something may be lost undeniably and definitely for me by now which I should have never let go, but the deception and the powerless state I am in suffocated the shame I should feel. I, the "writer," who wanted only to write, who was clean and clever, who had dreams and ideas, I am now weak, broken, empty, and dirty on the outside and in the inside as well.

But I am still writing. I can not stop writing. For some cause writing is something that, even now, is greater than any desires, pictures, feelings, and tears; the things that sweep and hustle the weak like a flood. Yes, the writing will not show its back to me, it will not turn against me, it will not blame me, it will not flee from me, and it will not demand anything from me either. It is a mirror which shows me everything without exceptions and which will not hide anything from me, while the screen and the battered glasses are easily distorted and grounded by any dirt and srcatch.

So I take off the glasses, and clean them, while I wipe my tears away.

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2010. október 15. 00:00 - Khaos

Drops

Drops, one by one
Just like the minutes passing
When I gave you my ring
The night I saw you dancing

Drops, more and more
Like memories not so old
Of you and I so bold
"Forever in love" we told

Drops, less and less
As your smile fades in my head
I wake up in my bed
Thumbling to feel I'm still mad

Drops, still not still
I am trembling, I am ill
Of how lonely I feel
Already, more than my fill

Drops, once again
Learned my lesson at the end
No tears to drop again
Breathe and smile, now I can

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2010. szeptember 14. 00:00 - Khaos

Ardor hangjai

Hangok csilingelnek egytől egyig
Mélán, ütemesen
Ezen a dér hajnalon csepptől cseppig
Tompán és fagyosan
Sírnak a húrok a végső csendig
Némán és ridegen
A kegyetlen ütők táncukat pengik
Cifrán és komoran

Zenét hall a fülem agyam mégis kiált
Nem kéri a kínzó éji kotta-maskarát
Mégis ha fülem meg, agyam nem szabadul
Elmémet e vészjósló dal ejtette rabul

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